As we grow up, we are taught a multitude of different beliefs, values and opinions, and most of us follow along with them blindly until we hit an age that we can create our own. The society, our parents, even our teachers feed us with so many different stereotypes and belief systems that it can become overwhelming when we hit this age. So, how do you know which values are your own voice talking?

It has taken me a full twenty-one years to work this one out. And I’m not saying that my parents, teachers, or my peers are wrong for the opinions that they might hold. I’m saying that it’s taken me my whole life to figure out which ones align with me.

The values I’m talking about here are multifarious – from hustle culture, to marriage, to whom we should or shouldn’t love, to who we are are supposed to be, how we are supposed to act.

During school, values that we are taught are helpful for the future, but sometimes not. The school I attended enforced the idea that we had to excel in every subject, get A*s in final exams, take part in the school plays, join multiple sports teams and extracurricular clubs. Although this is good to teach children that there’s so much on offer for them at school, and that they can find out which ones align with them, it also puts a lot of pressure – too much pressure – on those growing teenagers. Some kids don’t like sport, some don’t like academics. Teachers, and parents, shouldn’t be putting so much pressure on their kids to be an all-rounder. It’s boring to be good at everything!

Then my school forced university onto us. There were maybe a total of 3 people in my cohort that didn’t go on to higher education, including one of my best friends. My best friend told the school repeatedly that she did not want to be in academics anymore, as she simply didn’t enjoy it, and what are the teachers to say that she had to? Nonetheless, our tutors still pushed it down her throat and still made her apply to courses.

These examples of my school’s values are the epitome of hustle culture nowadays. Luckily for me, although sometimes I do still struggle with toxic productivity and therefore burn-out, I have found my own alignment in balance, which I talk about all the time, so you’ll know what I mean here.

But deeper values can be instilled on our internal belief systems from a young age. From racial stereotypes to homophobia and more judgement, the older generations we grow up with and are taught by have a profound effect on how we view the world when we leave this environment. Even TV shows and social media affect us too nowadays, and that’s even more dangerous…

Think about it. What beliefs do you still hold that serve absolutely no purpose for you anymore? For me, I believed I’d have to be married by 25, kids at 28, and a big house, with a big paycheck by 30. Let’s be real, this might not happen, and I wouldn’t be angry nor upset if that were the case. Of course, with hardwork and tenacity this could come about, but I don’t want to force the universe to make these things happen for me. Manifestation only holds so much power.

Other values that I hold included the idea that I would only be loved for how I looked, and this came from watching the first high-school drama TV shows with the “popular” crowds all looking flawless, and the “nerds” looking spotty and gross. Hey, that’s not my idea of how kids look, just how the media portrays it (even still today!). Or how a nerd then becomes popular because she takes of her glasses, pulls her hair out of a ponytail and puts on a dress instead of jeans and a t-shirt. It’s so superficial I want to cry about it!

But these images were what went through my head during high school. These “glow ups” girls have during high school and beyond are forced onto us, because we believe only pretty people can have friends and be good at sport, and be clever and so on. Girls at school would only like us if we had clear skin, skinny waists, and a slut – let’s be honest here.

And the idea of skinny waists… this was even worse during the rise of social media. Fad diets, over-exercising, and crop tops and low waist jeans. We all remember that era. And it’s coming back into trend now (so please please please can we not return to those dark times, thanks!). I believed that if I were bigger than a size 6, no one would love me, or want me – including friends and romantic relationships. But that is so fake, again, it hurts me!

How you look does not define you, and I’m beginning to think we are all starting to slowly recognise this too – very slowly. Your experiences, your values, your beliefs are what makes you who you are. Which is why it is so important to be able to make up your own belief system and challenge those limiting beliefs.

Take some time after reading this post to make a list of all those beliefs you hold – whether or not they’re your own. Then challenge those that sound a little off to you. Where did these come from? Who taught you this? From there, you can learn to find out what things mean the most to you. Without judgement of parents or peers.

This is what makes you who you are. Take no notice of society, or other people’s judgements. Listen to others’ opinions, but you don’t always have to agree with them. Remember that. But also remember to be respectful of those around you!