Happy Monday – and Happy Nearly-October! 👻 🎃

I believe it has been a while since I shared a little update about my eating disorder recovery journey, but we’re back today with a brief post.

For those that aren’t aware, I started my weight gain and healing journey back in April 2022 – so it has now been two and a half years, and a lot has happened. The main thing I’ve learnt is that, like anything in life, recovery isn’t linear. One day you don’t just wake up and see the weight gain, and see the psychological effects of your ED and habits and behaviours disappear. Trust me, I’m still acting on a lot of those behaviours I learnt four years ago as a lot of them can be hard to break. It takes a lot of work and tenacity to get to where you want, and need, to be. There’s been highs and lows, but I am happy (and grateful) to say that there have been more good times than bad over the last couple years – not to say that hard times aren’t super difficult, though.

Weight gain has been the hardest part of it all. It took me a while to give into it and let it be, gaining quite a lot over a period of six months. How? The all-in-approach helped, but also being on the contraceptive pill too. As soon as I came off the pill this time last year, that weight fell off me due to it being water weight. So, if you’re also seeking going on the pill whilst starting/in the middle of your weight gain journey, make sure you’re following appropriate sources and finding the one that works for your body. Reaching your higher weight goal/BMI (whatever you’re comfortable measuring) whilst on the pill can be so distorted, and I wish I knew this at the time. There’s not a lot of information around for women’s health and the side effects of protecting us against having a baby that we don’t want whilst being young and our bodies still growing, but sources like Women’s Health Magazine and even some (very, very limited) aspects of the NHS’s guide can help.

Since coming off the pill my weight has continued to drop, and I’ve battled with whether that’s because I’ve relapsed or whether this is the weight I’m supposed to be at whilst eating what/when I want and doing a normal amount of exercise. Again, because there’s no information around! I don’t believe I’m qualified, either, to give this information, but I can at least share my experience.

The pill caused a hell of a lot of water weight and retention, mimicking weight gain. It wasn’t pleasant, either, but the help of my support system made it easier. It’s not typical weight gain, but “puffy” weight gain – and it’s rapid. It can make you feel even more insecure in your own body, more than normal weight gain would – and I wish I could compare the two but I’m not there yet.

And truth is that I have relapsed, twice this year, and still in one too. There’s my answer. And for so long I’ve been in denial about this, not wanting to admit that we are back to the start again. But we are here again, so let’s smash this next phase!

However, I’m not back to square one, am I? I have so many tools and ways to combat that ED part of my brain and we can go from there. It won’t be as hard this time, as I’m not eliciting all of those behaviours I used to back in the day – but it will still be hard.

Knowing that you have a support system and trusting them is step one to crawling out of the dark hole that can be a relapse, but also remember that much like you, they don’t have all the answers. Use them to lean on, to help you, and support you. You can do this, and I’m in with you! Let me take this moment to thank those in my life – both online and in the real world – who support me on a daily basis and aid my growth, both personal and physical. I wouldn’t be here without every single one of you – including you who are reading this post ❤️

Weight gain, as I said before, is one of the hardest parts, but so is admitting the fact that you need to start taking care of yourself more – and this applies to any point of a healing journey, not necessarily just with eating disorders. Once you recognise that you need to focus more on a specific part of your life, be it nutrition, exercise, sleep, social time, work, rest, and so on, it becomes that littlest bit easier to focus on how to get to where you want to be.

Who’s in it with me?

[If you need some support around this topic please head over to the Beat Eating Disorders UK website or the NEDA Website for my American readers and please please please take care of yourself]