Weight gain can be the scariest part of eating disorder recovery. If you’re currently going through this or you know someone who is, you understand just how hard it can be. Today’s post will be a (hopefully) more light-hearted post about ED-recovery weight gain, and my best advice on how to cope with it.

Something that we must address first is the mentality, or mindset, around gaining weight. We live in a world that bombards us with body image and beauty standard ideals: your clothes size, your BMI, your curves, your sixpack and so on. And what is worse is that these are always changing. Last year we had the ‘Y2K’ trend: small waist, petite girls. Now, we are moving back towards the ‘standard’ woman body of curves, thick thighs and BBLs.

We also have constant ‘advice’ about diets. Should we be losing weight, or toning up? Is being a ‘bulky’ (muscly) woman good or unattractive? Diet culture is one of the principle threats to those who are going through ED recovery, as content and advice is so readily available to us to consume on a daily basis. It is difficult not to listen to it.

Furthermore, we are then bombarded with what kind of exercise we should be doing. Pilates yoga, weight training, HIIT, running, marathon-training, hiking. It’s all too consuming a lot of the time.

How does this fit into ED recovery and weight gain?

It is important to remember that not everyone will understand what you are going through or have gone through, and therefore some people’s comments, whether in person or on social media, will trigger you. It’s not up to them to change how they talk around you – for example, talk less about exercise – but rather how you feel about it and react to it. That’s what this is all about: rewiring your brain.

Rewire your brain: weight gain → life gain

Of course you may have been told that you need to gain weight (or restore your weight) to achieve optimal health (or that BMI bullshit) by a professional. And sure, that is correct. But when you go about ED recovery all willy-nilly and not having a grasp of what exactly it means, weight gain becomes extremely hard.

When I started ED recovery, I tried to go about it in the way of focusing on weight gain. As someone who’s ED was born from exercise addiction, the last thing I wanted was to curb my exercise regime. So, instead, I focused on weight training and eating more protein – as this was also a trend two years ago. But that was the wrong angle. I’d say this phase of recovery last 6-8 weeks before I fell off again and this time it was harder to get back up.

Two months later, I realised that ED recovery isn’t solely about weight gain, but rather what I like to call life gain. When you start eating more again and focusing on yourself from the inside out (NOT what your body looks like and how much weight you gain), you start to gain back your smile, your personality, even your friends. Because your ED took that all from you and made you into this… vessel, this empty shell of a body, of a person. Now, with ED recovery, you can take that all back.

And so, ED recovery isn’t about gaining weight, not really. It’s about rebuilding that relationship with yourself from the foundation – self love, self care etc. Really focusing on you instead of the person you think you should become, ie someone in a bigger body, ED recovery becomes the slightest bit easier. I say ‘slightest bit’ because it is still hard, but as I am sure you are aware, these little tweaks make it all the more worthwhile.

Common fears and anxieties about weight gain

One common fear associated with weight gain is the fear of losing control. A lot of the time, eating disorders originate from a lack of control in your life, and thus you cling onto maybe the one thing you can control: food (and exercise). There’s no wonder, then, that the prospect of gaining weight can trigger feelings of helplessness and anxiety.

The advice I’d give here is that it is ok to loosen the reigns and take that heavy weight off yourself. Having 100% control of eating and exercise, in a restrictive way, is so exhausting – you know that feeling, right? It drains you everyday. What if I told you there is another way? ED RECOVERY!

The fear of judgment is another prevalent concern surrounding weight gain. In a society that often equates thinness with beauty and success, you may worry about being scrutinised or criticised for changes in your appearance. I wrote about this earlier, and I’ll write it again and again. It is not your job to change other people’s views on what an ideal body is, or what the correct amount of food to eat is. Your job is to have control – see, there is another area of control you can turn to – over your emotions and reactions to these people’s comments, and those ED thoughts inside your own head. You can’t anticipate or change what people are going to think or say about you. If they do criticise you for gaining weight, that’s their issue. They obviously have things going on themselves. Choose you over anyone else. You need to gain this weight, for medical but also emotional reasons. In your smallest form you’re not happy, you’re not motivated. You’re just sad. So why don’t we change the stigma and allow for weight gain in our society?

Another thing to remember is that your worth is NOT (and never will be) determined by your size or shape. There are 8 billion people on this Earth, and none of us look the same, do we? No matter if you gain 5, 10, 15, 20 or more kilograms in your weight gain journey, you are still worthy. Worthy of love, respect, kindness. Not from other people, but from yourself. As soon as you understand that you are worthy, no matter what, this journey becomes a little easier, and I promise you that.

One last point here that resonates deeply with me is this fear of letting go of your old body. For years you have held on so tightly to this smallest version of you, scared to gain weight, scared to let go of the control.

With me, it all started when I was sixteen. My body was beginning to change: curves, boobs, butt. And I didn’t like it. As someone who was very sporty in nature anyways, it wasn’t too difficult for me to turn to exercise, and then food, to reverse these signs of maturing. I wanted to stay in that twelve-year-old ‘rectangular’ shaped body. I wanted my six pack, with no hips, no boobs. I wanted to be as small as I possibly could. And the media was supporting this theory too. All I was consuming on social media was this idea of small waist and petite body. I was in love with that body ideal.

When I reached university and beyond, I realised that that younger body did not serve me anymore. I am a grown women, for God’s sake! I shouldn’t be scrutinising gorgeous curves, hips, boobs and a butt. Because now, I love them. They are what makes me a woman (it’s more than that, I know, but I’m cutting it down for you).

As you can see, it took me 4 years to realise this. Now I know that I’d never go back to that body, but I understand (really, I do) how it can be hard to let go of that ideology.

Advice

Think of weight gain as a journey, not a goal. Maybe your treatment team has told you to gain X amount of weight by X amount of time. Sure, goals can be good, but not for something as non-linear as ED recovery

Start with the foundation: rebuilding your relationship with yourself. From there, once you learn that you are beautiful inside and out (emphasis on the inside), no matter where you are in life, you can learn to rebuild your relationship with food and exercise – but only then. Once you learn to love yourself first, set boundaries, try some shadow work – all the things I talk about on the regular – you can start with more focused ED recovery – but only then!