A blog post by Pepetoe.

Supporting someone with an eating disorder can feel intimidating. You might worry about saying the wrong thing. Making it worse. Pushing them away. You might feel like you’re walking on eggshells, where you’re unsure what’s helpful and what could accidentally cause harm.

That fear is understandable. Eating disorders are complex, deeply personal, and emotionally charged. Conversations about food and bodies are rarely neutral. But here’s the truth: Silence can actually feel more isolating than imperfect words.

You do not need the perfect sentence. You need consistent compassion. To support someone properly, it helps to understand what eating disorders actually are, and what they are not.

What I Wish People Understood About Eating Disorders

One of the most persistent misunderstandings about eating disorders is that they are about vanity. They are not. Food is the visible behaviour. It is the symptom people see. But underneath that surface is usually something much deeper. For many people, eating disorders are coping mechanisms.

They become ways of managing:

• Anxiety
• Fear
• Perfectionism
• Control
• Identity
• Not feeling “good enough”

In my own experience, restriction created a temporary sense of stability. It felt like control in a world that often felt overwhelming. But that control was fragile, and destructive.

Eating disorders are not attention-seeking. They are not dramatic. They are not lifestyle choices. They are not simply “dieting gone too far.”

They are serious mental health conditions involving:

• Distorted thinking
• Compulsive behaviours
• Intense fear
• Physiological changes

And perhaps one of the hardest things to explain is how loud it is inside your head when you’re in one. It’s constant mental noise. Constant negotiation. Constant rules. Understanding this shifts the conversation from blame to empathy.

Why “Just Eat” Is Not Helpful

If eating disorders were solved by logic, they wouldn’t exist. “Just eat” is often said with frustration or desperation. It can sound practical. Simple. Obvious. But eating disorders are not a lack of knowledge. They are not about not understanding nutrition. They are not about not knowing food is necessary. They are about fear.

“Just eat” ignores:

• The panic before a meal
• The guilt afterwards
• The compulsive mental calculations
• The distorted beliefs about worth and control

Telling someone to “just eat” is like telling someone with severe anxiety to “just relax.” It oversimplifies a complex mental illness.

What helps more is acknowledging the difficulty:

• “I know this is hard.”
• “Do you want me to sit with you?”
• “I’m here.”

Support is not about forcing behaviour. It is about creating safety.

Why “You Look Healthy” Isn’t Always a Compliment

Another well-meaning but complicated phrase is: “You look healthy.”

It sounds kind. Encouraging, even. But when someone is in recovery, and still struggling, comments about appearance can land heavily.

When thinness has been equated with success, “healthy” can internally translate to:“You’ve gained weight.” “You look bigger.” “You’ve changed.” Even positive body comments can reinforce the idea that appearance is the most important thing to monitor.

Instead of commenting on how someone looks, try focusing on who they are:

• “It’s really good to see you.”
• “You seem lighter lately, how have you been feeling?”
• “I’m proud of the effort you’re putting in.”

Health is not a look. Recovery is not aesthetic.

What Actually Helps When Supporting Someone

If someone you love is struggling, here are principles that genuinely make a difference.

1. Focus on how they feel, not how they look.

Instead of: “You look better.”

Try: “How have you been feeling lately?”

This shifts attention away from appearance and towards emotional wellbeing.

2. Don’t simplify it.

Eating disorders are not about willpower. They are not about laziness. They are not solved by “trying harder.”

Avoid minimising statements like:

• “It could be worse.”
• “At least you’re not that thin anymore.”
• “Other people have it harder.”

Comparison fuels the disorder’s voice.

3. Be consistent.

You do not need to fix it. You do not need to have all the answers. Just stay. Recovery is rarely linear. There may be defensiveness, withdrawal, or frustration. Often, that is fear talking, not rejection.

Consistency builds trust.

4. Encourage professional support gently.

You cannot replace professional help. Eating disorders affect both mental and physical health, and early intervention improves outcomes.

Encourage support without ultimatums. Offer to help find resources. Offer to sit with them at appointments.

What Didn’t Help Me

From personal experience, the comments that caused the most harm were often the ones meant kindly:

• “Just eat.”
• “You don’t look anorexic.”
• “At least you’re healthy.”
• Food policing
• Monitoring my plate
• Making jokes about calories or weight

They reinforced shame. They made me retreat further into silence. Not saying that the people who did say these things to me weren’t trying to help. Of course, they were just trying to help, with very limited advise on what to say. And for that I’ll never be angry with these people, just forgiving.

Eating disorders are so, so complex, and if you’re struggling with an ED right now, just know that these people are trying to help you, but a lot of the time they just don’t know how.

What Did Help Me

What helped was surprisingly simple:

• People sitting with me without making it awkward
• People asking gently and listening fully
• People not making it about their discomfort
• People acknowledging it was hard without trying to solve it immediately

You do not need perfect language. You need patience. You need empathy. You need to understand that recovery is terrifying. And you need to remember that eating disorders are illnesses, not choices.

When we understand that, we move from frustration to compassion. And compassion is far more powerful than correction.

Xo Pepetoe