A blog post by Pepetoe.

Recovery is often portrayed as a dramatic turning point. A rock bottom. A hospital admission. A moment of clarity.

Mine wasn’t like that. There wasn’t a big breakdown or a cinematic realisation. It was quieter than that. It was exhaustion.

The Moment It Shifted

I remember thinking, very simply:

“I can’t live like this forever.”

That was it. Not confidence. Not self-love. Not sudden belief in myself. Just a quiet recognition that the way I was living, ruled by food rules, fear, and control, was not sustainable.

I had built a life around shrinking. Shrinking my body. Shrinking my needs. Shrinking my presence. And something in me, small but stubborn, thought: Maybe I deserve more than survival.

That was the beginning.

Recovery Doesn’t Start With Loving Yourself

There is a common misconception that you must feel worthy in order to recover. That you must believe you deserve healing before you can choose it. Often, it starts the other way around.

For me, recovery did not begin with self-confidence. It began with the tiniest willingness to consider that peace might be possible. Deserving recovery is not something you earn by being sick enough. It is not something you unlock after enough suffering. It is inherent.

You deserve recovery simply because you are human.

The Complicated Truth: You Can Miss Your Eating Disorder

This is the part people don’t always talk about. Sometimes, you miss it.

You might miss:

• The structure
• The predictability
• The identity
• The praise
• The sense of control

And that can feel shameful. How can you miss something that harmed you?

But eating disorders often serve a purpose at one point in time. They can feel protective. They can feel stabilising. Letting go of them can feel like losing a coping mechanism.

And so, in a way, recovery can involve grief.

Grief for:

• The identity you built around it
• The control you thought it gave you
• The familiarity of its routines

Missing your eating disorder does not mean you want to go back. It does not mean you have failed. It does not mean you are weak. It means you are human.

Choosing Recovery Anyway

There have been moments where the eating disorder voice has resurfaced, in sometimes a nostalgic, persuasive, or convincing. But choosing recovery is not about never hearing that voice again. It is about hearing it, and choosing differently.

Choosing:

• Flexibility over rigidity
• Nourishment over punishment
• Long-term health over short-term control
• Peace over perfection

That choice is not always loud, and it is a choice we have to make everyday. Sometimes it is quiet and repetitive. Sometimes it is choosing the uncomfortable option over and over again.

Recovery is not linear. It is not glamorous. It is not constant progress. It is all a part of daily decisions.

You Are Allowed to Want Recovery

If you are somewhere in between, not fully ready, but not fully wanting to stay stuck, that is a valid place to be.

Ambivalence is common. Fear is common. Grief is common. But so is the possibility of change.

You do not have to hate your eating disorder to let it go.
You do not have to be fearless to begin recovery.
You do not have to feel completely ready.

You only need the smallest opening, the quiet thought: Maybe I deserve more than this. And from there, you can choose, again and again, to move toward healing.

Xo Pepetoe