A blog post by Pepetoe.

Unfortunately we all go through times in our lives where we’ve felt betrayed, used, and end up broken into pieces at the end of a tumultuous journey of trying to keep someone in our lives whom is only just uprooting our peace. Then, there are also times (and I truly believe we’ve all been here too), where we’ve been on the other end of that, where we’ve hurt people we love, broken their trust, and betrayed them. I’m not saying it would be on the same extreme, not necessarily, but not one of us, I think, can go through life without hurting someone along the way. And if I’m honest? I do not know which one hurts us more.

Either way, whether you’ve been betrayed or been the betrayer, it’s hard to learn to trust again. Obviously it’s hard when we’ve been hurt by someone whom we loved, because it’s that feeling of never being able to love or trust someone again. But it is also hard when we’ve been the ones to hurt our loved ones, as we think we may never be able to trust ourselves again. Right now, I’m on both ends of this spectrum. I’ve done the hurting, but in turn I’ve been hurt by some people around me too. And I’m learning to one, trust myself again, and two, to trust other people.

I have had my fair share of hurt this month, this year, this lifetime. And I think I’ve never truly processed that. I’ve been hurt, hurt myself, and hurt others, and only now am I realising that I may have so-called “trust issues” (though I truly hate that phrase). If you’ve been here for a while, you may know that I am a relatively open person. With people I’ve just met, I can tell them my story, and what I’ve been through. I’ve even told my stories to strangers I meet on the train, if they ask how I am or if I’ve been having a good day. I don’t hide away from my life. But that’s only on the surface. You may be getting to know me right now, and think I’m open and confident and trust my life’s path. But inside? I’m struggling to stay afloat, because at this moment in time, I don’t trust myself.

I think I am someone who is always living in the two extremes. I’m a social butterfly, but I also have undiagnosed social anxiety. I love routine and structure, but some days I love being spontaneous and doing whatever floats my boat. I work and grind all day long, but sometimes I can’t get out of bed. I love so hard and fall for someone straight away, or I never let them in. There’s no in between with me. And I think that’s the route of my “issues”.

I don’t trust that I can just be “average”. Since a young age, I’ve always excelled at every single thing I’ve done, fearing failure, fearing being in the middle of the pack. If there was something I wasn’t good at, I would drop it and never go back to it again. And I’ve carried this round with me ever since. So, when it comes to love – friendships or boys – I either love someone with my whole damn heart, or I end up being the one to destroy it. Because I don’t trust happiness, or goodness, or even love.

When one thing falls apart in my life, I let everything go down with it. Because that’s what I think I deserve. Oh, I’ve failed at one thing, so everything must crumble too. Learning to trust that that is not the truth has been difficult. And learning to accept who I am, and to trust myself alongside that, has been even harder. Forgiving someone is hard, but forgiving myself? How do I do that?

To you guys reading this right now, this might not be a huge revelation to you, or something which I should celebrate being able to learn about myself. But after going through such a damn hard time recently, I’ve learnt that I have to trust myself. Trust that I’m doing the right thing. Trust that I’m going to be ok. I’ve been through hardships before, so what’s different about this one?

Right, I’ve hurt people. Ok. That’s done. You can’t change the past. And that’s the thing. Maybe the only thing we can trust is the past. Because that’s factual. Ignore all the what-ifs and buts and things we wish we could change. Because we can’t trust the future. All we can trust is what has happened, and now how we can move forward with it. So, in a way, we can trust the present moment too.

Going back to trust. It’s hard. If I can’t trust myself, how the hell am I meant to trust other people? If I don’t have my own back, why should I expect others too? This is a huge part of what I’m going through right now – people not supporting me. Instead I have people judging me, talking behind my back, spreading things about me that I know (and I feel like only I know, aren’t true). So I guess you can tell why it’s been hard for me to trust myself right now, because I have no one backing me up. But these are the most important moments where we have to be there for ourselves, because no one else is. We can’t expect anyone else too. We can’t control what others do around us.

But on that note, this doesn’t mean that we can’t trust other people just because we’ve been let down in the past. This, for me, will take a lot longer. Trusting someone again means having to lay everything on the table, and give them my everything. I’ve done that. And I’ve been hurt, by myself and others. I know deep down inside though that I have to learn to trust myself in that everything will work out. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow. But soon. Sooner than you think.

I’ll be taking a lot of time working on this idea of “trust” – in myself and in others. And I’m guessing there’s not just me out there going through this right now. So, I’m going to go back to therapy, go back to journalling, go back to processing shit. Because when one life changing event happens, oftentimes it brings back all of your past damage too. That’s normal, ok. We need to learn to expect that. These are the times where everything is going to come back to you, and yes, it’s going to hit you like a truck, but maybe this time things will be different. Maybe this time you’ll actually work on processing and going through these things, rather than moving on in life and simply hoping things will change. Trust comes from inside you, so, together, let’s learn to trust ourselves and have our own backs.