A blog by Pepetoe.

When we’re hurting, it can be easy to fall down the path of not allowing ourselves to feel the joyous or happy moments along the way of this healing. We think we don’t deserve happiness, because we’re struggling. But these are the times in our lives that we need to hold onto these precious moments, and allow ourselves to feel the good, even when everything else around us is bad. Whether you’re going through grief, heartbreak, something you’ve messed up, friendships, career goals shifting… these moments do not mean you don’t deserve greatness.

The Psychology Behind “Happiness Guilt”

“Happiness guilt” is what happens when your mind convinces you that joy is something you have to earn. It’s the little voice that whispers, “You shouldn’t feel good right now. Not after everything.” Psychologically, this comes from the brain’s natural negativity bias, where we’re wired to spot danger, mistakes, and pain faster than pleasure. When you’re struggling, your brain shifts into survival mode, scanning for threats instead of allowing space for softness. Joy feels unfamiliar, and anything unfamiliar feels unsafe.

Modern culture amplifies this even more. We live in a world that worships productivity, self-improvement, and being “on it” 24/7. If you’re not thriving, hustling, or healing perfectly, it’s easy to feel like you haven’t earned happiness yet. That mindset quietly teaches you that joy is conditional, and something you get only once you’ve fixed yourself, made the right choices, or reached some imaginary level of emotional “readiness.” So when a happy moment arrives in the middle of your mess, it feels wrong, almost like you’re skipping steps.

And then there’s self-worth… or the lack of it. When you’re hurting, grieving, or disappointed in yourself, your inner critic gets louder. You start sabotaging your own joy because guilt feels more familiar than contentment. If you’ve grown up internalising shame, comparison, or perfectionism, happiness can feel undeserved, like you’re not “good enough” yet. But that’s the lie: pain doesn’t make you unworthy of happiness. Messiness doesn’t cancel out your right to joy. And you don’t have to be perfectly healed to feel moments of light.

Why We Think We Don’t Deserve Happiness

A lot of us carry the belief that happiness is conditional. Something we’re only allowed once we’ve fixed everything that’s wrong. If you’ve grown up praised for being “the strong one,” “the calm one,” “the high achiever,” or “the one who has it together,” you may have learned that joy is a reward for perfection, not a human right.

So when life gets messy, or when you feel like you are messy, happiness feels like something you’re not allowed anymore. Here’s what usually sits beneath that belief:

• Internalised shame: You’ve learned to associate mistakes or pain with unworthiness.
• Self-punishment: You deny yourself joy to “make up” for something you regret.
• Comparison: You convince yourself that everyone else is more deserving.
• Perfectionism: You think you need to heal first, fix first, improve first.
• Fear: Happiness feels risky when you’re used to being hurt.

But happiness is not something you earn. It’s something you’re allowed simply because you’re human.

You Can Hold Pain and Happiness at the Same Time

We’re taught to think emotions should be neat, separate, and logical. But humans don’t work like that. You can cry in the morning and laugh in the afternoon. You can be grieving and still feel grateful. You can feel lonely and still find comfort in something small and sweet. Mixed emotions are not contradictions; they’re proof that your emotional world is alive. You’re not betraying your struggle when you smile. You’re not ignoring your pain when something makes you feel light. You’re not “getting over it too fast” when joy slips in.

Pain and happiness can sit beside each other. They’re allowed to. You’re allowed to, and when life is overwhelming, good moments become even more important.

A coffee that tastes right.
Your pet climbing into your lap.
Laughing unexpectedly.
A song that gives you goosebumps.
A message from someone who makes you feel seen.
A moment of pride for surviving a day you didn’t want to face.

These aren’t distractions from your healing. They are part of your healing. Joy softens the edges. It gives your nervous system a break. It reminds you that even in darkness, you’re capable of feeling light.

Stop Punishing Yourself for Feeling Good

Self-punishment shows up in quiet ways:

• “I shouldn’t be happy. Not after what I did.”
• “I don’t deserve to enjoy this yet.”
• “I should be suffering more.”
• “People would think I’m fine, and I’m not.”

But none of these thoughts help you. They don’t fix anything. They don’t protect you. They don’t move you forward. Punishing yourself doesn’t make you a better or more accountable person. It just keeps you stuck in the same emotional loop. You’re allowed to stop choosing pain when happiness appears.

One of the most damaging beliefs we carry is: “I’ll be happy when I’m healed.”
But happiness isn’t a final level of life you unlock. It doesn’t wait for the perfect circumstances. It doesn’t appear only when you’ve got everything sorted. Healing is not linear. It’s up-and-down, messy, unpredictable. And in the middle of that chaos, joy will still find you: in small ways, fleeting moments, unexpected softness. You don’t have to push it away. You don’t need to be “better” to feel something good.

How to Practise Allowing Happiness In

Here are gentle ways to unlearn happiness guilt:

• Let moments of joy be moments , don’t overthink them.
• Affirm: “I’m allowed to feel good even when something is hard.”
• Break the all-or-nothing mindset, healing can include joy.
• Let yourself rest without earning it.
• Notice small joys and let them stay longer.
• Stop apologising for feeling okay for a moment.
• Talk to yourself the way you talk to someone you love.

Joy doesn’t invalidate your pain. It supports your healing.

You Deserve Happiness, Even Now

You don’t have to wait for life to be perfect, or for your heart to be fully mended, or for the pain to completely fade. You’re not too broken, too late, too messy, or too behind to feel something good.

Happiness isn’t off-limits just because you’re struggling.
Joy is still allowed to find you.
And you’re allowed to let it in.