A blog post by Pepetoe.

This really is a full-circle moment. Picking up hobbies I once loved feels both familiar and strangely new, like meeting an old friend after years apart. For so long, especially in the grip of my eating disorder, those parts of me were pushed aside. There was no room for play, for joy, or for creativity, only rules and routines that left little space for the things that once made me feel alive.

Now, I’m learning to come back to them. Or maybe I’m finally ready to come back to them. After putting in a lot of the hard work in my recovery journey so far, I feel like it’s time I rekindle these old pastimes. It feels like I’m reaching out to my younger self, offering her the time, love, and attention she deserved all along. And in the process, I’m discovering that these hobbies aren’t just activities. They’re pathways back to who I truly am.

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An eating disorder doesn’t just take your health. It takes your energy, creativity, passions, and expression. It narrows your world down so much, until there is no room for play, self care, or doing the things you once loved. Before it all kicked in, I used to pour my heart and soul into writing – poems, short stories, novels, the whole lot. I used to play hockey five times a week. I used to dance. But when the ED came along, I suddenly didn’t have time for them anymore.

It’s a strange feeling to look back on those times. To that girl I was. I almost hold resent for her – or for how the ED took a hold of her. How I let myself get entangled into this mess. I know, it’s not my fault, it’s the ED. Of course, I know that. However, I do think there is some anger in me somewhere that I let all those passions simply fade to dust.

I grieve that lost time, the smiles, the joy I had whenever I picked up these hobbies – all of which pretty much on a daily basis – but I also know that rediscovering these hobbies, at a place where I feel comfortable enough to do so, feels even more meaningful, because they’re no longer things I felt like I had to do (to fit everything in a be the productivity queen), but because I enjoy them.

Now, whenever I get out my laptop, or set foot on a hockey pitch, I feel like it’s sending love back to that girl I was before the ED, my childhood, and also giving love to the girl I might resent for letting that all go. I feel like I’m giving attention back to that girl to whom I didn’t give enough back then, the girl who was silenced by rules and fears. It feels like I’m keeping a promise I should have made years ago, that not matter how hard it got, I wouldn’t let these things go. And that promise to that girl: I won’t abandon you again. It’s not about being as good as I once was (because to be honest I don’t think I could play that much hockey again!), but it’s about honouring that childlike spark that maybe never even left.

There’s something deeply healing about doing activities you once loved simply because they make you feel alive. Nostalgia reminds us of who we were before life got complicated, before we learned to doubt ourselves. Hobbies don’t ask for perfection or productivity. Its just a way for us to show up for ourselves. And in recovery, learning to play again is one of the bravest things we can do. To let go of that perfection, the rules, the restrictions. To enjoy life again.

I’m not the same person I was when I first picked up these hobbies as a kid. I’ve grown, changed, and gone through experiences that shaped me in ways I couldn’t have imagined back then. But reconnecting with these passions feels like coming home to myself, only this time, with more compassion, patience, and gratitude. Recovery hasn’t just given me back my health. It’s giving me back the parts of myself I thought were gone forever.

This is proof that I’m healing, in a completely different way to how I have been over the last couple years. It’s a new milestone for me, to pick up these hobbies again, and in order to keep doing these things that I love, I need to keep going, keep showing up for myself. This is also proof that healing isn’t about becoming a completely new person, it’s about remembering who you were before the world told you to be anything else, and letting that version of you shine again.

Xo, Pepetoe