Dreams fade – don’t be scared of change

Tuesday 25 April

Hey everyone! It’s been a while since my last blog post. Let’s just say that over the last month and a half, a lot has been going on in my life. I’m ok, just a lot on my mind…

My post today is a very important one. I believe I have written something similar to this last year when I was going through a similar thing. In any case, I’ll start from the beginning.

Since I was twelve years old (maybe even younger) I have LIVED for the idea of studying at university, learning languages, and going on my year abroad. Eight years later, that dream has changed. If you’ve been a fan of Pepetoe for the last year and a half you will know that university has not been the highlight of my life. And I’ve been so mad at myself for pretty much despising my time at Warwick. Second year has been better, sure, being able to be more social through ED recovery, but I still get that dread and anxiety of going back to campus after any length of break (even just a weekend). Now that I don’t have the reason of my ED I find it hard to accept that I don’t like university. I’m due to go back today or tomorrow, and I can’t find it in me to go.

I put a lot of pressure on myself to stay at university. After all, it’s been drilled into me from school (and even parental) pressure to get a good degree (no less than a 2:1 of course) and succeed in life. “You can’t do anything in life without a degree”. And I’ve held onto that quote for years, a quote which I’ve never directly heard from anyone, just inferred it from all the talks I’ve had during my time in schooling institutions. Only now is that ideology starting to blur.

I’ve been in two minds about it: take the “easy” option and drop out and prioritise your mental health, or “man-up” and push through the pain to reach the end goal of a good degree and set up for your life. But nothing is that simple.

The pressure plays a huge part in making this decision. Pressure from society and other people in my life who have all embarked on life paths via university etc. But also time pressure. I need to make the first decision of whether or not to take part in the year abroad very soon, as I’ll need to find accommodation, apply for visas and all that in the coming months. That’s why I’m so hasty to figure out what I’m doing with my life.

Things change. I’m definitely not the same person I was eight years ago. Of course I still love language and studying about different cultures, religions, identities, all of that. But university itself is just not serving me anymore.

I’ve spoken to numerous people about how I’m feeling, including professionals, and the best advice I’ve heard is the title of this blog post – dreams change and that’s ok. My dream of uni was formed at age twelve. Everything has changed since then (a little Taylor dictum there). Getting a degree does set you up for a decent career path, but it’s not the only option. To be completely honest, I’m over uni, and I have been since I got there.

Decisions are the hardest part of life. I want someone to tell me what to do but I’m an adult and this is my life so it’s up to me – which is beyond terrifying. I’m worried I’ll let people down and that’s something I’d have to deal with when and if I do decide to make the decision to change up my life path. It’s not just a black and white decision of drop out or not – I could fast-track to final year and not do my year abroad, change uni, change course. There’s lots of options. It’s scary, but this is the first big decision in my life to make, and let me tell you, there’ll be lots more and even scarier ones as I grow up.

To sum up, I’m scared. That’s ok. My plans and dreams have changed. I can’t do anything about that. The only thing to do now is to make endless pros and cons lists (and I love making lists!). At least the weather is getting nicer (as I said in my last post – a lovely friend reminded me of this too – the sun does help with everything and anything).

I’ll keep you updated.

Pepetoe signing off 🙂

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