Saturday 7 January

I’m stuck. I feel lost. Does anyone else feel like this at the beginning of the new year? The last month has been an oasis of joy: spending time with old friends and family, truly enjoying a well-deserved break. And now we’re back in reality.

The past few days have not been easy. I have found myself rapidly slipping into a dark pit. The worst thing is, I am not sure why.

I have a huge decision to make. University, I have realised, is not for me. If you have read my past blog posts about this, you will know how much I struggled in my first year. Well, it is all catching up to me now. Again.

There are so many options in front of me. I do not know what to do. I think we all feel like this when we have to make a decision on something that could greatly change, impact or damage your life. It has been drilled into me since I can remember that university is everything – get a degree (doesn’t really matter what subject) and you’re set for life. That pressure has always weighed on me, and only now I am beginning to understand it.

If I did drop out and end my studies here, the question lies in what I would do. Truth is, I have no frickin’ clue! That is why I am feeling stuck. I want someone to tell me what to do. I want someone to tell me to take the easy road and drop out, but I know deep down that I need the harsh truth. “Suck it up, we all deal with hardships”. Right now, this feels like the worst of them all.

Yesterday, I spent the day crying. I’m being totally raw and real with you guys here. It wasn’t pretty, I felt disgusting, and all I wanted was to be with someone. I was alone and vulnerable and I hated that feeling. I have come so far on this journey of self-discovery and recovery. Part of me now feels like that was all for nothing.

Switching to the other side, the angel’s side, I need to find motivation again, find my spark. There’s no point dwelling on something. As I said, we all deal with these lows in life. It’s never about getting to a point where we no longer have bad days or sleepless nights, but rather how we deal with them. I could let this sit with me and cry about it and get down about it and slip. Or, I could deal with this right now and find out what it is that I truly want.

Does anyone else feel like this? Maybe with something much different, or even the same. It really does suck. And all I want is for someone to tell me exactly what I should do and how I should find help.

I’ve heard both sides from friends and family who have given up their time to give me advice: stick with it, or drop out and find your new passion. Over the last year, I have progressed so much, and learnt an important lesson in letting go of the things that no longer serve you. I don’t want to say that university is no longer giving me the joy and what I need, because everyone struggles at uni and that’s the truth. If I stick with it and push through the hard days until the end of my degree, I’ll be set for life, find a good job, and earn good money. If I end my studies now, I don’t know what lies in store for me.

This post has been all about my own life and me ranting. I’m not going to apologise for that. If this helps anyone realise that they are not alone, that’s my purpose done. This post is more for me, to get the words out, and share it, hoping that I can find the realisation that I am not alone in this either.

“What should I do?”